Tuesday, February 14, 2012

LIFE

It has been about 4 months since my last blog post. Been busy busy so I havent had a lot of time to write. Or maybe had the lack of motivation cuz I dont feel like I have much positive things in my life.

I guess I will start with my dad. He has been the biggest part of the ups and down for months. But most people know that. I have cried many tears. Even more then my mother! I seriously dont know how she survives around that house but she has been a very strong woman. Today for Vday I sent some flowers to her and she was really happy! As of right now my dad is going through withdrawals from going off his pain pills. He says its a good thing I am not there cuz the nights are really hard for him. He says what they show on tv is pretty much how it is. The doctors have told him to stay on his meds regularly cuz when the pain comes, it comes so severe that it is almost too late. My dad is being put on the liver transplant list this month and going to Stanford. I am happy for him but it also makes me nervous. I was being left out of a lot of stuff so on the 6th I got to go to USC with my parents to 3 dr appts. Of course the doctors said such big words but it was nice to get to be there. The doctors are going to try and team up and get him on a treatment plan. Tomorrow he goes back with his bone marrow scans he took back in December. They may possibly give him another one. All the doctors call him a "difficult patient". So far this year hasnt been to bad. Knock on wood. We were blessed with Caltrans workers donating him over 350 hours of vacation to him. We dont get to know who donated but we are so thankful. Notice I say "we" cuz it makes me happy. Makes me proud of my dad. Shows me that his employees and coworkers respect and care for him.

I completed 4 months of first shift. I am sooooo thankful it is over. I may not like the hours of 2nd shift but at least I have less stress. Being of first shift and working for a supervisor like I had made me miserable on a lot of days. I know I shouldnt bad mouth work but they all know it. I had a talk with my manager today because the supervisor still continues to yell at me. But then he will turn around and do something very sweet or helpful to me. Manger thinks he is a little bipolar but that is no reason to yell at me and tell me to choke on my soda and die. Which I think that was a big joke but still. I had basically had enough and just had to let it all out. I hate crying at work and I certainly dont want to give him the satisfaction to let him see my tears. I am counting down the months till I get back to my graveyard!

Patrick and I are doing great! Hoping to be in Tahoe in 2 weeks to look at wedding chappels. I have a date of March 31st but we shall see since that is really soon! We have been together almost 5 years and I am just ready to start a life together. We are ready for kids and ready to live together. Ready to buy a home! I hope to get pregnant just as soon as we are married. I always tell him and my family that by Christmas I will either have a baby or be pregnant. Well now we are looking at being pregnant. I have made a doctor appointment for this month to go over my plan as far as going on what seizure meds and such. My neurlogist seems to think that I can take both meds while pregnant cuz the risk of seizures while pregnant or more harmful to the baby then side effects of the meds. Not too sure on that yet though since I have such small seizures. But we shall see.

My grandma is doing great as well! She is enjoying her home still and doing activities there. I only see her about once a week right now which I know is bad but I pretty much am always at Patricks and never really go to Turlock.

Well that is my brief catchup. I guess one of my goals should be to blog more! I always have good intentions but never do!

Friday, October 14, 2011

SHARING MY STORY

As most of you know I dont have a problem sharing my story with people. I have stood up at church, helped with bible studies, volunteered at MPC, etc. My family knows and my friends know. But I am not sure if my brother Austin knows. He knows I volunteer but probably just thinks I want to help other women. I have given him plenty of reading material on safe sex and waiting for marriage. Not sure if he reads them at all but I just set them in his room or my mom does. The past year has been really rough with him. He acts our a lot, parties, drinks, girls, etc. It could possibly be because my dad is sick and that is the way he deals with it. My mom called me last night to ask me to talk to him about girls. Is she nuts? Like he is going to listen to what I have to say. At least not on the telephone. So I told her maybe when I see him in person. As I read his Facebook page daily I fear that he is no longer a virgin. Or maybe he is all talk. At his age I had lost my virginity and had my abortion. It scares me to think that he could end up that way. So I feel like maybe my story will wake him up a little. At least the sex part if he is having it. My brother goes to youth group every week and sometimes church with my mom. But then again, so did I. I guess I will pray on it and see what happens next month! Ohhhh I hate watching my baby brother grow up! It makes me so sad! What am I going to do when I have my own kids?!?!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dad



I wasnt sure if I would blog about my dads diagnose but I decided to do it. In August my dad was diagnosed with Lupus. Now this isnt his actual leg. His legs and feet looked much worse so I didnt think I should post a pic of that. I dont know much about Lupus and I suppose I should read up on it. I know that you should stay out of the sun as much as possible! Those 5 days that I rushed down to USC to see my dad were the worse days ever! It was extremly hard to see my dad in so much pain. He was full of anxiety the first few days from so much steroids. I remember the first night seeing him and felt confident that he had lupus. Lupus is a disease that mostly African Americans get or white women. It is a very hard thing to diagnose. It was a great relief after a month of in and out of the hospital to have a diagnose. The next morning when we got to the hospital they informed us that it could be kidney or liver failure. I was devastated! I had to walk out. I mom had rushed to the nurse to ask about it and told me that dad would be ok but I didnt want them to see me cry. I had already been such a cry baby that I wasnt much help. I stayed out of the room most of the day and let my mom and my dads friend go in. My aunt came too which was great to see her. That night I decided to go back up and see him. When he looked at me he would get tears in his eyes. I gave him a hug and he told me he loved me. My dad hadnt spoke much in the past few days so that was a blessing to me to hear that. I sat by his bed and held his hand as long as I could until the anxiety kicked in to bad. I of course left in tears and rushed out of the hospital. My mom and aunt had seen me and rushed after me to see what was wrong. I told them about him showing affection to me and my mom was really pleased. She hadnt gotten that in days. I told them I was happy but remembered 12 years ago when my grandpa did that to me and then died the next day! Of course I knew he wasnt going to die but it had felt that way for a brief moment. 2 days later my dad was finally coming back to reality. They were giving him less meds and he wasnt trying to crawl out of bed and escape. The day we left was really tough. I didnt want to but I had to get back to work. Evan and Amanda had came to pick me up and to visit dad. As we were visiting my dad he decided to call his friends. Everytime he would get on the phone he would start to cry. I of course excused myself to calm myself cuz I knew our goodbye would be a difficult one. When it finally came time to say goodbye we hugged and cried and he asked me to help him get better. I told him he would and I would see him as soon as I could. Lucky for Evan he didnt shed a tear but he hadnt really experienced the hard parts.


So now my dad is home. Doing some chemo treaments to possibly make it go away. Dont know if it is working or just making him tired. It has been difficult to talk to him on the phone cuz he is so tired and has a really raspy voice. I think there is a med he is taking that messes with his voice. I came to visit the weekend he got out of the hospital and nurses were coming to check on him. I heard some news that my parents had not told us. Guess they wanted to make sure it was true until they would share. At one point while he was in the hospital and they thought his organs were failing they gave him 2 years to live!! Could you have imagined? I would had been a wreck. I would have moved there no doubt about it. There was no way I would not be with him if he had that short of time to live. I praise God that was not his diagnose. As much as Lupus sucks to have we are pleased that it wasnt worse. I hope that my dad will get to go back to work. He is still really sick and isnt too sure yet. He wants to retire next September but he might have to do it sooner. I would hate to see him do it already cuz he really enjoys his job. Mom and Dad went to visit his work and I guess a bunch of people said such kind words about him. My mom said she was no help cuz she just cried. It was amazing to see her in the hospital for that month he was in and out and when he finally made it to USC. She was soooo strong and never shedded a tear. On our last night she finally had a small breakdown while talking to my dads friend. In a way I was glad to see her release. I realized that I deal with it by crying (and eating), Austin acts out, Mom holds it in, and Evan kind of stays away.


My dad has a long way to go for recovery. I havent see him for over a month and I will see him this weekend. I am nervous to because he said he has lost a lot of weight. We continue to ask for prayer and thoughts for my dad. And you could say one for me, my mom, and brothers as well!

NO OTHER GODS

Three weeks ago I started a new bible study at Big Valley. It was my first study since Surrendering The Secret. This time I would be with a bunch of women in one of the chapels. On the 2nd week they put us at different tables with a group of about 8 women each. The study is meant for like a small group in a living room setting but this was the way they did it. When we first get there, there are snacks (like at Normas but not as good LOL). Then we have announcements followed by a woman giving her testimony. So far all the testimonys have been wonderful! On Monday night I thought this woman was talking right to me. It was so touching and sort of opended my eyes to a problem I thought maybe I had. But I am still trying to figure that out so I wont get into that. I talked to her afterwards for about 10 min and she told me that she would pray for me and that I should restart the step study ( I dropped out earlier this year cuz it was too depressing for me).


There are 5 days of homework in our book. I have started off doing one on Wednsday and do the other 4 either on Sunday or Monday (the night of). I know that is bad but I run out of time and then if I do it right before class it will be fresh in my mind. But I should really spend each day doing it and then maybe before class go over it again. I actually have been the best one at homework I think. Most of the women are in their 40's and 50's. So I read a lot of my answers. The study is on things we idol. The first week I chose my cell phone. That thing goes with me everywhere and I feel like it is my life at times. I check Facebook through out the day so I dont miss anything. Which nothing is really important. But I also have to check in to wherever I go. I have games that I play against people. I have ESPN so I am always checking the baseball scores. I have other games I play such as Minesweeper, Tetris, etc. It takes too much of my time. Time away from God you could say. This past week it was on fear. I knew exactly who that would be. My soon to be supervisor. That is a whole other post in itself but I found myself to fear him that I serve him and do whatever he says. So the whole study based around him. After we go over our homework we then do prayer requests and finish in prayer.


I love going to bible study. Just being in church makes me feel good. This hasnt been the greatest summer and I just love being with other Christian women! I think this will be a study that I can stick with. I had asked my friend Cyndy to be my tutor for the class but I think I can do this one on my own!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

NEVER FORGETTING



I will never foget! Who will ever forget 9/11/01? I remember what I was wearing, what I did, and how I felt. I didnt really have any feelings about it until later that week when it really sank in. Reiny had just came back into my life and he was all I thought about. I was on cloud 9 and nothing ever got me down. It happened on a Tuesday and Friday night I watched a program at my grandmas. By the end of the show I was bawling my eyes out. All the lives that were gone. Watching families post pics of their missing loved ones all over the city. It was devastating and I began to realize our country was going to majorly change. This year made 10 years which made it a really big deal with lots of shows on tv. I watched a few and Sunday morning had a moment of silence at 8:46 NY time for when the first plane hit. I was at home watching the president speaking. This picture came from a friend on Facebook. I thought it was really cool so I thought I would share it. Not like my friend will ever read this but I would like to thank him anyways. His name is Tyler Reed and he is an old friend of mine who has been to the war several times. He loves his country and his family so that is why he does it. Thanks Ty!

Friday, July 22, 2011

MY 1ST 10K



Can you see me? Saturday I did my first 10K with my friend Richard. Amazingly I finished in the exact time I wanted to which was an hour and half. I have done 5k's before but thought I should move up a bit. It was in Davis at a really nice park. Richar of course finished about 20 min before me but thats ok. Afterwards we went and had Mexican food so I really didnt burn too many calories. The shirt it just a little too big and I had to carry it the whole time cuz I had 2 tank tops and 2 sport bras on. But I had to put it back on so they could see my number and announce my name as I came through. They even said it right! Of course he then said it wrong after just to make sure. Notice I came in jogging. I did jog a lot of it but also walked a lot. But I couldnt possibly walk in with hundreds of people cheering you on. I came in 743 place out of 804! LOL! All well! At least I finished and I was proud of myself!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

CATCHING UP

Tomatoe season has officially started and I am just starting to get bored. We are suppose to be super busy but with the weather this year the tomatoes aren't too good. Work has been ok lately. Cant complain too much. I finished working 3 weeks of 12 hour days while the 3 of us all took turns on vacation. That was a little rough with no OT pay but I had a nice visit with my family.

On the 6th I went to my parents for 5 nights. It was a mini vacation before our 56 hour weeks begin. I had a great time. Just basically sat around the house most of the time. There was a Giants game on every night so we watched them followed with a Red Box movie or games afterwards. I bought a xmas stocking to start xstitching so I did a lot of that while we were watching tv. This is my first counted xstitch stocking I have made. I have made 2 stamped ones for my parents a few years ago. This might be done this year or for sure by xmas 2012. I really don't have anyone planned to give it to so I am in no hurry. I know my aunt would probably treasure it forever and probably leave it up in her room all year long. Or I thought about mailing it to Mao. We shall see how it turns out. I will post some pics as I go along. They of course took me to my fav restaurant, Big Bubbus Bad BBQ! MMMM I love their ribs! We also went to the ocean to my favorite clam chowder bread bowl place and taffy. Yes, I pigged out!! Austin has started driving with his permit so I got to see him drive a little. He was ok. Very cautious at times but once he gets in the country he thinks he needs to speed. I was not ready to go home on Monday! :(

I would say one of my reasons for not wanting to come home was because of my dad. As you must had read my last post on my dads health condition. Well he got out of the hospital the night I wrote that but he is still not feeling well at all. They are doing tests after tests. He is now going to specialists to see if they can find something wrong to help him feel better. He has made it to work some but feels awful when he gets home. If anyone knows my dad he doesn't have much patience. So at times it was a little rough around the house. Especially with Austin if he didn't do what he was told. Watch out!! Go take a nap Dad!! He had a long talk to me and Evan about our futures and where we are headed. Made my mom cry and at one time he told us he was pretty emotional himself but he never actually shed a tear (thank God). I think Japan will probably be out for next year which is a real bummer. But if my dad has to take early retirement there would be no way they could afford it. If not then I plan to take my money and go to New York. I get very emotional on some days worrying about my dad. I cant imagine either one of my parents not here. My mom has been a great wife and really helping him. Getting him things he needs (sometimes I think he is just taking advantage of it) and going to all his dr appts. Dad says sometimes she should stay home cuz she asks too many questions.

The other day my mom mentioned that no one in the family besides me really does anything to help others. I questioned how I did cuz I certainly don't feel like it lately. She pointed out all my work I do with the bible studies and the pregnancy center. I have been slacking or felt like I have been slacking in that department. I dropped out of the bible study step class last month. Just wasn't for me. I felt too depressed in there and never had any answers to share. I didn't have any addictions, a wonderful family, and was healed from my past. So I am currently looking for a new study to begin. As for the pregnancy center we just got a new location. It is great! It is so much bigger and I had lots of stuff to do this week and even helped a woman over the phone. She had called for prices on different abortions and I informed her we didn't give them here but offered her what we did do here. She didn't make an appointment but she listened and said she would walk in. She was already 14 weeks and my heart sunk when she told me that. I hope she will make it in. I would love to have more one on one with the girls. When I left on Wednesday the waiting room was packed. Turlock pc has asked if I would volunteer one day with them as a counselor since they don't always have one. So I am really thinking of doing that as well. Since I have soooo much free time. But it makes me feel good.

Ohhhhh bootcamp! It has been 6 weeks since last bootcamp and I am missing it! I have tried to get to the gym but with 12 hour days and a small vacation it just wasn't getting done. Today I did a class with a bootcamp in Modesto. As I plan to one day be in Modesto permanently. She offers classes 6 days a week for $200. The one I have been going is $200 for 6 weeks for 3 days a week. So I got half off for this first month so I will see how many days I can go. Lets just say I am pretty sore all over again. Bummer! I sort of felt like a whimp in the class. Saturday night Alisha, Richard, and I are doing our first 10K in Davis. I am excited and nervous. But no one will know me there and I of course plan to walk a lot of it too. I hope to finish in an hour and half!

Well that should be about it for now. That's most of my life right now. Things are good with Patrick. Need to be around him with Brittney more but other then that we are on a good path. Would like to see him more though. :)